The FarceHaven Tribune
Nun Excommunicated for Moonlighting as Exotic Dancer
By Vince Wylendifzt -- Contributing Author
By day, Sister Evangelina Corinthian, a demure, soft-spoken nun taught classes at the small private school adjacent to the Church of St. Ignatius Pasquale, ministered to parishioners in need, prayed with her fellow sisters, performed volunteer work in the community, and performed her daily duties within the parish. Like other nuns, Sister Evangelina wore the traditional nun�s habit, sans makeup or jewelry.
But baking communion wafers was apparently not the Sister�s only calling. In a scandal that sent shock waves through the small, conservative New England community, and rocked the very pulpit of the church, it was discovered that the Sister was, in fact, leading a double life: Nun by day. Exotic dancer by night.
According to Father Romeo Chacha, spokesperson for the Archdiocese, Sister Evangelina was moonlighting at the Upside Down Pussycat Club, a premiere men�s club in the downtown district where she was known as "Angel." In a statement to the press, Father Chacha denounced the nun�s actions saying, "We are shocked and saddened by this revelation. We do not condone the Sister�s immoral and sinful acts, and pray that she be delivered from evil. She has defiled herself in a most vulgar and unholy manner. In light of Sister Evangelina�s betrayal of her vows, and for conducting herself in a manner most unbecoming to a nun, our only recourse is to excommunicate her from the Church."
In an ironic twist, unconfirmed sources reported that Father Romeo Chacha was seen (without his collar) in a thinly veiled disguise at the Pussycat Club receiving a lap dance from the Sister, by another member of the parish who wished to remain anonymous. When asked by a reporter if there was any truth to the rumor, Father Chacha, who looked mortified, turned a lighter shade of red and belched. "Pardon me." he said.
"Father Chacha . . . ?" pressed the reporter for an answer. Father Chacha cleared his throat and sounded like Gregory Peck in the remake of Cape Fear, when he said, "Of course not, and I am deeply offended at the mere supposition of impropriety."
What led to the Sister�s descent into the seamy, dark, underbelly of a smoke-filled nightclub where gratuitous sex and pole dancing are the name of the game, is anyone�s guess. "Nobody could work the pole like Angel," said the club�s manager, Butch, a beefy, fortysomething guy with a thick neck, greasy, slicked back hair, and a black mustache and goatee, wearing a gold chain, a bracelet, and a pinky ring. "She�s built like a brick shithouse with a triple D cup. Who can top that?" he said offhandedly, puffing on a cigar. "And limber . . . Jesus . . . she can twist her body into positions that would make a circus freak blush." A full page salatious spread (no pun intended) showcased the disgraced Sister�s hidden talents: In one picture she was topless, facing the audience spread eagle on the pole, in another she was spread eagle upside down on the pole, and in another shot she was bent over with her head between her legs, smiling seductively at the onlookers.